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Background: I wrote this
in the 1980's, when I was going out with Teri Allen, Hollywood's best
editor, screen writer, and mystery writer.
IN
SEARCH OF THE GIANT CRABS
A Jacques
Coustwat Docu-porn Adventure
by
Bernardo
Santini
1. FADE IN on JACQUES COUSTWAT in his crushed velvet laboratory. He is
using a large magnifying glass to study the nipple of a WOMAN. He turns
to camera:
COUSTWAT
Ah. Hello, zere. Welcome
to my laboratory,
(BACK to include fondled
breasts of ANOTHER WOMAN...)
Eet ees here zat we
study the habits of zee largest fish weeth no gills - what you call
woman.
(BACK to include two
MORE WOMEN, sucking COUSTWAT'S toes...)
Tonight, weeth my
son Phillippe, we will explore zee dark places, looking for our quarry
- zee holes, zee crevices, zee cracks, you get what I mean, no? No,
probably not...
2. SLEAZY GARAGE, with van being loaded.
COUSTWAT (voice over)
Tonight we will travel
in our special vehicle, which we have design through a grant from zee
National Pornographic Society. We have named it zee "Poosy Wagon"
in honor of Phillippe's mother. Right now, Phillippe is having the van
serviced...
(CUT to YET ANOTHER WOMEN, going down on the gearshift of the van...)
COUSTWAT (voice over)
...while Phillippe
himself prepares for zee trip.
(BACK to reveal PHILLIPPE COUSTWAT, going down on the woman going down
on the gearshift of the van. Pan down to EVEN ANOTHER WOMAN, going down
on Phillippe going down on the woman going down on the gearshift of the
van.)
PHILLIPPE
Sacre bleu! Sacre
bleu!
EVEN ANOTHER WOMAN
Suck 'er blue? You
dumb frog! If I suck 'er any more, she'll fall off!
(EVEN ANOTHER WOMAN continues to suck, while YET ANOTHER WOMAN leaves
the gearshift to join in a lusty, yet tastefully done, three-way.)
3. Endless hours later, we cut to VAN, LEAVING GARAGE, entering streets
of L.A.
COUSTWAT (voice over)
At last, our adventure
begins. At first, we do not have so much of the success...
(PHILLIPPE rolls down window of van ...speaks to woman on sidewalk...)
PHILLIPPE
Allo, baybee. Want
to fuck?
WOMAN ON SIDEWALK
Shove it up your ass,
creep.
PHILLIPPE
Merci beaucoup. Perhaps
another time.
COUSTWAT (voice over)
We decide to move
to more promising territory...
4. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. PHILLIPPE is talking with a VERY YOUNG WOMAN
PHILLIPPE
And zo, I thought,
perhaps, eef I were to give you zees nice candy, you might like to take
a small ride in my van...
VERY
YOUNG WOMAN
Ooooh, far out! But
my mother said I shouldn't ride with strangers unless they offered me
cocaine as well...
PHILLIPPE
Of course, little
one...
VERY YOUNG WOMAN
...and a hundred dollars...
PHILLIPPE
But of course, my
little extortionist... Zere is one thing ...have you got a friend for
my Pa Pa?
VERY YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah. But she's awfully
young. You'd have to tie her up to get her to do it
PHILLIPPE (choking)
What an unexpected
surprise! Perhaps I can help. I happen to have a few hundred feet of
chain in zee car. Bring her along.
5. INTERIOR OF VAN, on way to laboratory.
COUSTWAT (voice over)
Having found our first
specimens of zee evening, we decided to return to our place to get to
know zem. Phillippe, as usual, was interested to study zem at once.
(Shots of van interior,
PHILLIP humping VERY YOUNG WOMAN from rear, while she snorts coke. VERY
VERY YOUNG WOMAN, bound head to foot with hundreds of feet of chain, has
contributed her naval has a place to keep the coke. This gives the VERY
YOUNG WOMAN a chance to charmingly lick they VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN'S crotch
from time to time.)
6. VAN pulls up to stop light. MOTORCYCLE COP pulls up alongside.
MOTOR CYCLE COP (to COUSTWAT)
You know you got a
busted taillight, buddy?
COUSTWAT
Oh, no, officer. I
did not know.
(Bloodcurdling scream
from back of van...)
MOTORCYCLE COP
Hey, what's going
on back there?
COUSTWAT
Ah, officer. Eet is
only my son. He has given illicit drugs to two underage women, whom
he has tied up, and whom he is now raping repeatedly and abusing in
an unspeakable manner. Ah, eet is wonderful to be young, no?
MOTOR CYCLE COP
Yeah. Well, just see
that you get that taillight fixed. Good night. (drives off).
7. INTERIOR VAN. Phillippe is just finishing inserting dildoes into the
VERY YOUNG WOMAN and the VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN.
PHILLIPPE
Shhhh! Quiet, my friends,
I know you are excited, but you must remain quiet. I do not wish to
slap you around again ...Here, have another chocolate-covered cherry.
It is filled with LSD, and will calm your nerves...
8. INTERIOR LABORATORY. VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN is hanging from the rafters.
PHILLIPPE stands proudly beside here while COUSTWAT takes a Polaroid picture.
VERY
YOUNG WOMAN
Me too, me too! I
want to be in the picture!
(VERY YOUNG WOMAN and VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN Are hanging from the rafters.
PHILLIPPE stands proudly beside them while COUSTWAT takes a Polaroid picture.)
COUSTWAT
Me too, me too! I
want to be in the picture!
(VERY YOUNG WOMAN, VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN, and COUSTWAT are hanging from
the rafters. PHILLIPPE takes a Polaroid picture.)
PHILLIPPE
Zat is zee trouble.
Someone always is left out from zee picture.
(Knock at door)
PHILLIPPE
Ooo ees eet?
VOICE
What?
PHILLIPPE
I said, "Ooo
ees eet?"
VOICE
Speak English, Frenchie!
PHILLIPPE
Shit, come in.
(ENTER LEATHER REPAIR WOMAN, dressed completely in leather, and not tan
suede.)
LEATHER REPAIR WOMAN
Hi, Phil. I'm from
Kiss My Whip Leather Repair. I'm here to service your shackles.
(VERY YOUNG WOMAN, VERY VERY YOUNG WOMAN, COUSTWAT, and PHILLIPPE are
hanging from the rafters. LEATHER REPAIR WOMAN takes a Polaroid picture.)
COUSTWAT
We can't thank you
enough...
LEATHER REPAIR WOMAN (picking up whip)
Yes you can...
(CUT TO...)
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