“Be a dentist" – Steve Martin, Little Shop of Horrors

Doc Jones, Combat Dentist

Story Treatment
Proposed for Spring, 2001, HBO

Background: My periodontist is James H. Jones, DDS, MS. He's a great dentist, and amazing as it may sound, I've had great fun visiting his office.

In the Vietnam War, Jim served on a Destroyer Tender. Dentists treated the sailors in the battle group. He is also a Cowboy Action Shooter and so is his wife, Kathie, so they know about shootin' irons.

Jim has done emergency surgeries. The ones in real life are stranger than the ones in the story. In all this lies the inspiration for this compelling wartime adventure.

The Series

American loves war! And America loves dentistry! So, there's nothing more exciting to a red-blooded American than a dentist fighting in an undeclared war against a bunch of rice farmers!

Return with us to the thrilling days of yesteryear (the 1970's), when we fought to prevent Communist world domination, the same way dentists fight to prevent decay and gum disease! The country is ready for a dramatic, comedic, romantic, touching look back at the Last Lousy War, and the soldier/dentists who kept the men and women smiling as they fought.

This is the ongoing story of oral surgeon Lt. Jim "Riptooth" Jones (great-grandson of Jim Jones, frontier dentist), and his beautiful friend, Ensign. Kathie Smith, dental hygienist.

They are assigned to the 4077TH M.O.S.H. (Mobile Oral Surgery Hospital). Here, they see the gritty side of war every day -- death, heartbreak, and failure to floss. Yet there are plenty of light moments, too!

These two are also straight-shooting commandos. As often as not, while Jim is probing gums, Kathie's probing the perimeter of the LZ (Lingual Zone), looking for infiltrators. And in every episode, Jim pursues his quest for the mythical Fountain of Fluoride.

Each episode is guaranteed to inspire its audience with two compelling messages: 1) war may be bad for your health, and 2) regular brushing and checkups are important.

"Doc Jones, Combat Dentist" is an adult comedy/drama with something for everyone, including veterans, old ex-hippies, and young people who don't even know what Vietnam was.

He's strong! He's good! He's Doc Jones! With an M-16 in one hand and a #13/14 Gracey curette in the other, he's ready for the Viet Cong or Actinobaccillus actinomycetemcomitans!

Episode 1 (The pilot)

"Mission to Dung Gum"

It's 1970. We're at Subic Bay, in the Philippines.

We open on wide view of the USS Dixie (AD-41), the famous destroyer tender. The camera moves closer, and there's a montage of ship's activities—everything that's done on a destroyer tender. Machine shops at work, resupply taking place. We see the ship's motto at the entrance to the crew's mess hall: "If it's broke, fix it. If it ain't broke, fix it."

Then we move down the passage way to the Dental Sick Bay.

The waiting room is filled with seamen. The service bays are filled with patients and dentists. The place is alive with dental activity.

We see two Navy dentists sharing a light moment. One says, "And so the drunk says, 'That was no molar! That was my cuspid!'" They laugh uncontrollably.

The Corpsman calls out, "Salt." "Harold Salt." You're next. An older sailor gets up and seats himself in a dental chair.

In comes Lt. James Jones, DDS. Jim says hello, and looks over H. Salt's teeth

Jim: "Well, Salt, what's the problem?"

Salt: "It hurts when I do this..." (He opens a bottle of beer with his teeth).

Jim: "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Salt takes Jones' advice. He agrees not to drink beer aboard ship.

Jim remarks, "Say, Seaman Salt, your smile is super." At this point he is immensely grateful that he doesn't speak with a lisp. "Is there a reason your teeth are in such great shape?"

Salt: "Not like the other bilge rat scum in the waiting room, ey, matey? I mean, Lt. Matey. Awww, I used to be like them, teeth full o' holes. Till I did a year in the Mekong Delta. Once, in the jungle, I came upon a spring. After I drank the water, I never had another tooth problem."

Jim's eye glaze over. Could it be that Southeast Asia is the location of the legendary Fountain of Fluoride? Maybe it's real, and maybe it's nearby!

Then his reverie is interrupted by the squawk box.

The box: "LT. JONES! This is Lt. Commander Ekso, the XO. Come to the bridge immediately!"

The Bridge? Jim wonders to himself. As he recalls, that's where the Captain lives.

The box: "Yes, the bridge."

Jim wonders if it's a conventional bridge or a Maryland bridge. He laughs. [heyuhh, heyuhh, snort, snort]

The box (shouting): "What's so funny, Jones?"

Jim: "Sorry, sir. Just a little dental humor. I'll be right there."

Jim goes to the bridge and meets with the Captain. The Captain begins:

Captain: "Jones, you're an excellent dentist. We have special assignment that only you can do. It's very dangerous and will probably cost you your life. Will you volunteer for this mission?"

Jim: "What is it?"

Captain: "I can't tell you."

Jim: "Where is it?"

Captain: "I can't tell you."

Jim: "When does it start?"

Captain: "I can't tell you."

Jim: "When does it end?"

Captain: "I can't tell you."

Jim: "Thank you for filling me in, sir."

Captain: "No problem, Jones. The Navy wants fully-informed officers."

Jim: "I don't want to do it."

Captain: "Excellent, Lieutenant. I'm glad you volunteered."

Jim: "Sir, the men need me here to attend to their dental needs."

Captain: "No problem, Lt. Jones. We've got a Machinist's Mate lined up to replace you. He knows how to drill holes and fill holes. That's all there is to it, right?"

Jim: "Well, you need a little special training."

Captain: "Glad you brought that up. You'll get some special training."

Jim: "In what, sir?"

Captain: "I can't tell you. Look, just pack up your dental gear and report to the launch. You will team up with another pro whose name I can't tell you at an unspecified time and location."

Jim: "Yes, sir." Jim starts to leave.

Captain: "Oh, by the way, Jones, you don't happen to have an assault rifle and cyanide capsules, do you?"

Jim says he doesn't, because he's in the Navy and he's a dentist. That captain assures him not to worry, and they'll get him what he needs. Jim is starting to get a bad feeling about this assignment.

Confused and disoriented, Jim packs his kit and kaboodle. On reflection, he decides his kaboodle is too heavy and leaves it for other lovers of aboriginal music to play.

Jim goes up on deck where the launch is waiting. His fellow dentists have gathered together to wish him good luck.

Jim's good friend, Garfield "Gumbo" File, the periodontist, speaks first:

Gumbo: "You know, Jim, it's a lousy war. It's undeclared, we're not really welcomed by the Vietnamese, and we're getting our butts kicked. And no sooner do we fix one of our guys' mouths and he gets his head shot off. Then our government lies to us and the American people. Plus, I'm always running out of those cute patient bibs we clip around the patients' necks. And now you're going to die. Where's the justice in that?"

This speech does not inspire Jim.

Dr. Rick "Roto-Rooter" Rimshot, the endodontist, speaks next:

Rick: "Jim, we got you a little gift. Here's a scraper."

Jim: "It looks like an entrenching tool."

Rick: "Yes, but in surgical stainless!"

Jim thanks him and says that it will come in handy if he ever does root planing on elephants. He then writes all this off to the general lack of social skills among dentists.

Dr. Arnold "The Extractor" Schwartzendentin strikes a lighter tone.

Arnold: "I hear we're going to get female hygienists here on the Dixie."

Jim: "Chicks on the Dixie?"

Arnold: "Yes, we're going to have Dixie chicks. Too bad you'll be dead."

The dentists join together to sing the ship's song, "Love Me Tender." Overcome by emotion, Jim goes to launch.

The launch takes Jim across the bay to the S.E.A.L. training school. As he walks up to the main gate, he sees the sign.

Welcome to S.E.A.L.School
(Scaling, Extraction, Anesthesia, Ligation)
HOME OF THE DENTAL COMMANDOS
"We drill, we fill, we kill"

There's a montage of Jim being toughened up to be a S.E.A.L. Shots of tough D.I.'s (Dental Instructors) shouting in Jim's face, the class doing pushups, etc. They drill on the parade ground, and then drill in dental chairs. They shoot their M-16s and then they shoot Novocain into volunteer patients.

They crawl through the jungle, and they do surgeries in the field. They engage in hand-to-hand combat with scalpels. They garrote each other with floss.

At last it's graduation day. In a formal ceremony, each graduate receives his white beret, and his Tidi polybacked two-ply 13" x 18" neck towel. The high point is when each graduate gets his badge, a caduceus with tiger fangs.

It's time to go to the show. We see Jim boarding a plane at Clark AFB in the Philippines. The plane lands at Saigon International Airport.

As Jim leaves the plane, he sees the sign:

Welcome to Vietnam
"America's Playground"

The Customs Agent says: "Hello, Sir. Welcome to Saigon. Anything to declare?"
Jim says, "How about the war?"
"No can do, sailor officer dentist man."

Jim's in need of transportation, so he goes to the pedal rickshaw stand. A young man in black pajamas pedals up and Jim gets in. The boy's name is Shu Fly.

Shu Fly asks Jim if he would like to meet his sister, who rooms with a number of girls in a nearby boarding house. He says candidly that she is looking for romance. She has a part-time job as a physical therapist for soldiers, and is trying to earn money to become a ballerina.

Jim asks what her name is. "Toshu," says Shu Fly. Good name for a ballerina, Jim thinks.

Jim would like to help, but he was raised in Ohio, and is a little uncomfortable going on a date with a stranger. He is also aware of the possibility that there are sexually transmitted diseases (to say nothing of oral pathogens) in Vietnam, so he respectfully declines.

Jim asks Shu Fly to rickshaw him directly to the Marine helicopter base at Da Grunt. In a few minutes they are there.

Montage: Jim boards an HU-1 Huey at DA Grunt to travel to his assigned station, the dental hospital at Hill 45723286. The helicopter takes off. From the helicopter, we see a beautiful pastoral scene. Peasants tending rice paddies. Mortar attacks. Peasants herding oxen. Rocket attacks. Peasants building huts. Napalm attacks.

The helicopter lands on a flattened hilltop near a collection of tents. In the near distance are the highland jungles. Jim walks into the camp.

The hand-lettered sign says:

Welcome to Buccal Down
Home of the 4077th M.O.S.H.
(Military Oral Surgery Hospital)

An orderly shows him the way to the CO's tent.

He reports to the commanding officer, Commander "Buck" Tooth. Jim asks if that's his real name, and the commander says, "No, of course not. It's Deciduous. Deciduous Tooth. But I really hate that name."

Buck offers Jim a gin and Peridex® (chlorhexidine gluconate 0.12%). As they drink, Buck brings Jim up to date on the war. Finally, he says, " Anyway, Jones, better get yourself settled in before the next group of dental casualties arrives."

Jim moves into his tent, where he meets Paul E. "Polly" Dent, an orthodontist. Jim asks how an orthodontist could end up in a combat unit. Paul just laughs, and says he figures it was a little government mixup. He's married, has kids, was a college student, had a father who died in action, and a mother who's a Representative in Congress. All in all, he had figured he had a pretty good deferment, but he got drafted anyway.

Jim remarks candidly, "Maybe it's because you're as black as the ace of spades." Polly agrees his African-American tendencies might have had something to do with it. Also, he's pissed, because he was promised an assignment in the Navy Band.

Jim decides to grab a bite to eat. He goes to the mess tent, where he sees Ensign Kathie Smith. What a babe! He says, "Hi, there, angel tits!"

Kathie:"I believe you are referring to my well formed, perky, upturned breasts."

Jim: "Well, I'm not sure what they're called. We didn't study boobs in dental school."

Kathie: "And you won't be studying them here, the way you act, Doctor."

Jim: "That's 'Lieutenant,' Ensign."

Kathie: "That's 'Doctor,' Doctor. A Navy dentist or doctor is addressed verbally as Doctor up to and including the rank of Lieutenant Commander. He/she is addressed by rank from Commander and above. In all cases, the rank is used in writing."

Jim: "Oh, a smartass!"

Kathie: "I am not one. I have one. Another body part you will not be investigating during your stay at the 4077th."

Jim senses that he has made a bad first impression. He excuses himself and heads for the treatment facility. There he meets Corpsman Bunny, a sweet girl from San Francisco.

Jim dons a camouflage smock and gets ready for his first patient. He meets his assistant, none other than Kathie Smith. With barely concealed disdain, they go to work.

The marine in the chair has a broken tooth:

Jim: "How'd you get hurt, soldier?"

Marine: "Mmph, gar waa gurg."

(Jim removes several instruments from the boy's mouth)

Marine (again): "In the shelling of Hung Wang."

Jim: "Viet Cong?"

Marine: "No, prostitutes. They beat us up after we attacked their whorehouse."

Jim: "You attacked a whorehouse?"

Marine: "Well, the Captain said it might be a Viet Cong bakery. The CIA was very confident. They told the captain the place had the best buns in Vietnam."

Jim: "Tell me, son, did the Captain previously have you attack a cattery?"

Marine: "Why yes, sir! How did you know? Breeders of Burmese cats and a cat boarding facility. The CIA told that captain the place had the best—"

Jim: "Can I have some suction, Ensign Smith?"

Kathie: "Not without a wedding ring, doctor."

Jim: "I meant for the patient's saliva."

We see a series of short scenes covering the next few weeks. Jim and Kathie are getting to know each other. And even like each other a little.

A typical day:

Jim: "Who's this?"

Kathie: "A woman from the village. She's in terrible pain."

Jim: "OK. Let's set up for a two-surface restoration of #3."

Kathie: "That's fine with me, Lt. Jones. But I should mention that this woman's in labor."

A soldier in the chair:

Jim: "This looks like a simple extraction."

Kathie: "This soldier's unconscious, and I didn't even give him any anesthesia."

Jim: "I think I know why."

Kathie: "How come?"

Jim: "When you pulled that 18 gauge syringe out of the cabinet, he fainted."

One night on the perimeter:

Kathie: "Halt! Who goes there?"

Jim: "It's me. Me Jim. Me friendly."

Kathie: "Be careful. It could be 'You Jim. You dead.' If the VC don't get you, I probably will."

Jim: "Jeez, perimeter duty's a tough assignment."

Kathie explains that she volunteered. Jim asks why. She say she doesn't know. Just likes killing people. Jim senses Kathie is probably a sociopath, who would stalk you if you didn't call her for a second date. On the other hand, she could be really useful in a war.

One day in the mess tent:

Jim: "Kathie, I have a secret assignment."

Kathie: "So do I."

Jim: "What is it?"

Kathie: "I can't tell you. What's yours?"

Jim: "I can't tell you."

Kathie (after a pause): "I'm glad we had this talk."

Jim: "Yeah. It's nice to share."

Another night on the perimeter:

Jim: "And so I was wondering if you felt the same way..."

Kathie (whispering): "Shhhhh! Hear that? Someone's out there flossing."

They are silent. Kathie listens and slowly swings her M-16 to one spot.

Kathie empties the M-16's magazine into the jungle!

Voices from jungle: "Aaaiiiee!" "Ouch!" "Don Ho!" "Gurgle!" "A touch! A palpable touch! I fear that I do breathe my last!"

Kathie (shouting): "Take that, commie scum infiltrators! Shame on you for attacking a dental hospital!"

Kathie has saved Jim's life! And probably the lives of everyone at the 4077th!

Yet aother night on the perimeter:

Jim and Kathie complete a long kiss.

Jim: "I'd like to take you to the heights of Mt. Vesuvius, and help you to erupt in flaming passion. And feel the lava of your love..."

Kathie: "Say what?"

Jim: "I'd like to jump your bones."

Kathie: "Far out! Do it, sailor!"

Jim recognizes that what Kathie lacks in poetic sensibility is fully offset by her refreshing directness and openness. In seconds they are out of their clothes.

They are naked, except for their helmets, tactical assault vests (containing 120 rounds of .223 ammunition and 6 fragmentation grenades) and their web belts (each with a Colt M1911A1 automatic pistol, 4 magazines, and 24 rounds of .45 ammunition).

Kathie (moaning): "Oh, Jim. You're so... big!"

Jim (panting): "Actually, that's my pistol. Try over here."

Kathie (breathless): "And you, lover. Stop sucking my grenades. The real mouthful's under the vest.

The camera quickly fades out.

The next day, who shows up in camp but Shu Fly, the rickshaw driver. He tells Jim that he's just rickshawed an important American official all the way from Da Grunt. He thinks Jim ought to know about this, because the news will threaten Jim's life! "I know you do good here, dentist man. Deliver babies. Fill teeth. You got right to know!"

Jim asks how Shu Fly found out. He explains that Toshu, his sister, learned of this during a physical therapy session with the official.

Before he can ask for a blow-by-blow description, the camp loudspeaker comes to life. It's the voice of Corpsman "Honey" Bunny. "Yo, Riptooth! Lt. Jones! Please come to the Commander's tent! Right away! Chop Chop!" [heyuhh, heyuhh, snort, snort]

Jim thanks Shu Fly and sends him to The Cavity, the dentists' tent. He tells him to have Polly Dent get out the Chivas Regal and Coca Cola. Jim then goes to Commander Tooth's tent.

Gathered there are the commander, Kathie, and a stranger. Commander Buck Tooth speaks.

Tooth: "Jim, Kathie, I want you to meet Major Spook of the Central Information Agency. He'll fill you in!" [heyuhh, heyuhh, snort, snort]

Spook (looking at Kathie): "Pleased to meet you, Jones."

Kathie: "I'm Smith. He's Jones."

Jim: "Kathie, what are you doing here?"

Kathie: "I can't tell you."

Spook: "High in the mountains is the Hmong village of Dung Gum. Wang Dong, the tribal leader, is very important to us. He disrupts North Vietnamese activity on the Ho Chi Minh trail. But like so many of our Hmong friends, he can't get the dental care he needs. We are informed that he has a painful condition that can only be addressed by skilled dental commandos."

Jim: "What's the condition?"

Spook: "I can't tell you."

Kathie: "Because it's a secret?"

Spook: "Because I don't know. Some sort of dental thing, I suppose. An oweee, I believe it's called."

Tooth: "Now, the terrain is so rugged we can't send you in by helicopter. You'll have to go on foot. You don't know what to expect, so take your full armamentarium."

Kathie: "What's that?"

Tooth: "Oh, you know. A collective term for all that dental crap we use."

Jim: "How many marines will escort us? A division? A brigade?"

Tooth: "None. We don't want the enemy to know what we're doing."

Jim (sighs): "I see. OK. Nooooooo problem.

Tooth: "By the way, the jungle is lousy with Viet Cong."

Kathie (brightly): "Far out! More targets!"

Montage. Jim and Kathie get ready to go. They check out their gear and dress up.

Jim and Kathie are in their full SEAL black Ninja commando suits, including 13" x 15" polypropylene face drapes with see-through netting in the upper half, and a 3" mouth opening.

Jim straps on the Aseptico Aseptimini Compact Portable Dental Unit (Model ADU-10). Kathie has the AseptiChair (Model ADC-01).

Jim: "Who'll carry the Portable X-Ray (Model ARU-01)?"

Voice: "I will!"

Jim: "Kathie. It's Shu Fly! What are you doing here?"

Shu Fly: "Well, you need someone to carry the X-Ray. And I have friends near where you're going."

Kathie: "Are you out of your mind?"

Shu Fly: "No Ensign lady. Trust me. All young Vietnamese rickshaw drivers in black pajamas who speak perfect English act this way."

They drink to their success, with a solid belt of Oxygene® Mouthrinse.

Kathie: "Oh I just love this fresh mint formula, and it's alcohol free!"

Jim: "Yes. It freshens the breath, while removing toxins, necrotic debris and bacteria from the gingival sulcus and the mouth."

Shu Fly: "I think I'm going to throw up."

So the group sets off in the night, toward the mountain village of Dung Gum. At dawn, they sense that they are getting close. They see a sign:

Welcome to the Ho Chi Minh Trail
Leave only footprints. Take only memories
Vietnam National Park Service

They pass another sign, hand-lettered:

Big Hodown Tonight!
8:00 pm
3-Communist Candlestick Park

They see a man carrying a giant sack of opium poppies on this back. Jim tries the password:

Jim: "Whose woods these are I do not know..."

Man: "His house is in the village, though."

Jim (relieved): "Are you one of our Hmong friends?"

Man: "Yes, do not worry. You are Hmong friends."

Jim: "Take us to your leader."

They follow the man into Dung Gum, the Hmong village.

The sign says:

Welcome to Dung Gum
Opium Capital of the World
Rotary meets Tuesday, 12:00 noon, Main Hut
Americans Welcome

They meet Wang Dong, the tribal chief. He looks miserable. Jim speaks to Wang in French:

Jim: "Vouz avez les miserables?" [Are you in discomfort?]

Wang: "Oui." [You bet your sweet ass I am.]

Jim: "Qu'est-ce que c'est?" [What is it?]

Wang (touches jaw): "J'ai douleur quand je fais comme ca! Oooowwww!" [It hurts when I do this. Oooowwww!]

Jim: "Ne vous fait pas cette chose!" [Don't do that!]

Wang: "Tres drole! Har har. Tout les medecins, tout le meme. Tout les comedians. Merci pour rien, dumbass!" [Very funny. Har Har. All you doctors are the same. All comedians. Thanks for nothing, you insensitive lout!]

Shu Fly offers to translate. He and Wang exchange words for moment. Then Shu Fly explains.

Shu Fly: "During the last four days he has had pain in his lower right jaw. The pain is radiating towards the cheek and base of the mandible. He has tried to reduce the problem by rinsing with chlorhexidine and by being extra careful with brushing. During the last 24 hours the pain has become somewhat less disturbing."

Jim probes 32, 33 and 34. He finds pocket depths of about 10-12 mm at the proximal and some of the buccal sites. Several fistulae open buccally on the alveolar process.

Jim: "Poor man. I diagnose this as a periodontal abscess. My heart goes out to this man, especially when you consider that he has almost perfect teeth!"

(Jim's eyes glaze over for a moment. Where has he seen teeth like this before?)

Kathie: "The most important procedure in the treatment of periodontal abscess is to create drainage of the inflammation through the pocket or by an incision. I, too, pity the old man."

Shu Fly: "In this particular case, the use of chlorhexidine rinsings and intensified oral hygiene procedures supragingivally may have enhanced the inflammatory process subgingivally through partial healing of the gingival margin, which probably prevented the drainage of inflammatory products from the periodontal pocket."

Jim and Kathie just stare at Shu Fly.

Shu Fly: "Oh, and I, too, feel pain and affection for this suffering old man. Well, as they say..."

Jim, Kathie, Shu Fly (together): "Abscess makes the heart grow fonder."

Jim fixes Wang up by thoroughly cleaning the pocket, prescribing antibiotics, and doing other fancy periodontal stuff.

Now it's time for Jim, Kathie and Shu Fly to go. They say goodbye to Wang. Wang gives Kathie a small carved statue. Kathie gives Wang a box of 200 units of Hupro® Prophy Paste (orange flavored, with coarse grit). She has learned the old man likes to chew on it. Plus it's got a nifty ring holder so he can walk around with a container on his finger.

Jim asks Wang if he can account for his perfect teeth. Wang says he can't. He just drank once from a fountain in the jungle and since then he's never had a cavity or any other dental trouble. Jim reminds Wang that gum care is as important as tooth care.

In a quiet moment, Jim wonders to himself just where that spring might be.

Since Wang is feeling much better, American relations with the Hmong are secure. Also, Wang promises Jim to drop as many mortal shells as he can on the commies.

The commandos bid farewell to Dung Gum and begin their return to Buccal Down and the 4077th. As they move through the jungle, Kathie commands everyone to halt and get low.

Jim (whispering): "What is it?"

Kathie (whispering): "I sense an ambush."

Jim: "My mouth is dry."

Kathie: "Here. Try this." (Hands Jim a spray can.)

Jim: "What is it?"

"Kathie: "Salivart® Synthetic Saliva. It will give you prompt, lasting relief from dryness of the mouth or throat (hypo salivation xerosornia). And it's ADA approved. Oh, but don't use it till I sneak up on these guys in the bush and waste them."

Shu Fly (whispering): "Synthetic saliva. I think I'm going to throw up."

Sounds from the jungle: "Uuumph. Aaaaaah. Ooooooh, Sighhhhhh."

Kathie (shouting): "It's OK. Come over here to the clearing."

The go to a jungle clearing and discover four guys in black pajamas down on the ground.

Jim: "Oh my god! Did you kill these guys in hand-to-hand combat?"

Kathie: "No. I just sneaked up on them and gave them a general anaesthetic. They'll be out for a while. If you want to do any extractions, now's the time."

Jim: "Wait. Who's that?" (points to an old man, lying down, and moaning).

Kathie: "I don't know. I thought maybe we could torture him to find out."

Jim approaches the old man. He's about seventy-five and very thin. He has a long, thin beard. He's obviously in pain and is grasping his jaw.

Jim tries his French again: "Comment vous appellez vous?"

Old man: "Ho. Ho. HO!"

Jim: "This guy's crazy. He thinks he's Santa Claus."

Shu Fly: "Let me try."

Shu Fly approaches the old man, and suddenly turns away. He is very pale.

Jim: "Well, who is he, Shu Fly?"

Shu Fly: "Don't know. Never saw him before in my life. I think he said his name was Minnie Mouse, or Minny Pearl. Something like that. Let's go!"

Kathie: "Shu Fly. I think you're lying. This man is having a dental emergency, and we can't leave him. These other VC will wake up in a few minutes, unless I slit their throats." So tell the truth. Who is he?"

Shu Fly: "He's my father..."

Jim and Kathie are relieved.

Shu Fly: "Ho Chi Minh."

Jim and Kathie are rattled.

Jim (slowly): "Shu Fly. I don't believe you ever mentioned that your father is Ho Chi Minh, leader of North Vietnam, currently engaged in an undeclared armed conflict with the United States of America, the most powerful military force on the face of the earth. Of which, I might mention, Kathie and I are two members, in uniform, subject to death, torture, and unspeakable abuses."

Shu Fly: "Well, I thought it might upset you."

Jim: "In this respect, you're majorly right. Now, how come he has a different name if he's your father?"

Shu Fly: "It's not different. His given name is Nguyen That Thanh. I'm Nguyen Shu Fly. See? Same, same!"

Jim: "Thanks, thanks."

Ho (through his moans): "How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child! Don't let your kids grow up to be rickshaw drivers!"

Jim: "And that means?"

Shu Fly: "It mean's he's kind of pissed off that I ran off to Saigon with my sister, who likes the company of American soldiers, while Dad's leading a democratic, popular, people's movement for the liberation of all Vietnam."

Kathie (sternly): "Shu Fly, you go make up with your father. Now. Then get his symptoms so we can help him."

Shu Fly, feeling ashamed, goes over to talk to his dad. They speak. Then Shu Fly explains.

Shu Fly: "It's OK. I've apologized for driving a rickshaw in Saigon. I think he's going to overlook my youthful exuberance and my desire to avoid joining the Army of North Vietnam."

Jim: "Good. What about his symptoms?"

Shu Fly: "Three or four days ago, my father underwent a root canal procedure. However, he concedes that endodonty in North Vietnam is not as advanced as in the capitalist fascist insect pig countries. He is experiencing pain, and fears he has an infection. However, last night he had to appear at the big Hodown, a bluegrass festival named after him. He was just on his way back to Hanoi when Kathie sedated his escort."

Jim: "I know what to do."

Kathie: "Kill him?"

Jim: "No, my sweet. Perform an apicoectomy. I'll remove of the root end of the tooth to treat the infection."

Jim has Shu Fly and Kathie prepare the armamentarium. Then Jim goes to work.

Jim (as he works): "Sometimes the abscess at the end of the root will not heal after the completion of the root canal therapy. The infection and inflammation will cause the tooth to be painful when biting. It is then necessary to remove the abscessed area by surgery. A small incision is made over the end of the root. Bone is removed to expose the root tip and an instrument is used to remove the abscess."

He pauses. "Then the area is irrigated and a suture placed to close the wound."

Shu Fly: "You're going to do all that?"

Jim: "Nope. Did all that. We're wrapped up. Now let's get out of here before all hell breaks loose."

At this moment, all hell breaks loose. Gunfire erupts from every quarter of the jungle. Jim and Kathie abandon most of the dental equipment. Kathie gets their M-16's ready, while Shu Fly spends a moment saying goodbye to his father. Then he joins Kathie.

Jim (dodging bullets): "Well, Mr. Ho, it's been a pleasure to meet you, and I think you'll feel better right away. Try to avoid smoking, and I recommend gargling with salt in warm water about three times a day. Here's a little sheet of instructions you can follow."

BAM! A mortar shell lands nearby.

Jim: "Here are two prescriptions: One's for Amoxicillin for infection and the other's for Vicodin (hydrocodone) for pain. Here's my card, so you can call me if you have any trouble. By the way, I wouldn't worry about the bill. We'll see if Mutual of Haiphong will take care of it."

Kathie (shouting): "JIM! Would you MIND coming over here to HELP with the SHOOTING?"

Jim: "I wish you good luck with your war. Oops! Don't know if I should say that! Well, we'd both better go, Mr. Ho. After all, what's hostile fire for me is friendly fire for you! And remember, let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day!"

Kathie: "JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!"

Jim runs like hell to join Kathie and Shu Fly. He draws his pistol and fires randomly into the jungle as he runs. The place is so thick with VC that he hits one wherever he shoots.

Kathie: "Well, it's about time." (Hands him his M-16.) "Now let's rock and roll."

Jim and Kathie use the popular "spray and pray" technique to hose the jungle with lead. They're free and easy with the grenades, too. While Jim and Kathie do their patriotic chore, they silently pray that they don't shoot anybody in the head, where the bullet might mess up their enemies' dental work.

Bit by bit they slip away, using their commando techniques. They can't be seen. They can't be found. The VC cannot engage them. Eventually , they reach the upper lowlands, not far from the 4077th.

Shu Fly shows them where he's hidden his rickshaw. So, hot and tired, but unwounded, Jim and Kathie are pedaled home in style.

The next day at the 4077th M.O.S.H. Jim is in Commander Tooth's tent. Major Spook of the CIA is there.

Spook speaks: "Well, Smith, you've done quite a heroic thing."

Jim: "I'm Jones, sir."

Spook: "Yes, of course. I knew that. Smith will be here in a minute. Anyway, your government is very proud of you."

Jim: "Well, sir, we were only doing our job. We fixed up the Hmong tribal chieftain, killed a few hundred VC, and even sewed up Ho Chi Minh, who was in trouble on the trail."

Spook: "What was that?"

Jim (sensing a blunder): "Oh, I said, 'I think we sewed things up, so Ho Chi Minh will have only trouble on the trail.'"

In comes Kathie.

Spook: "Come in, Ensign. Be seated."

Kathie: "I apologize for being late, but I brought important news from the radio shack."

Spook: "What? From AFVN or the military channels?"

Kathie: "Are you kidding? Neither. Why hear lies when you can get the truth? No, I have news from CBS. Walter Cronkite is the most trusted man in America."

Spook: "Surely you mean President Nixon, sailor."

Kathie: (concealing laughter): "Oh yes, sir. Of course, sir. Pardon me, sir."

Spook: "Well, what's the news?"

Kathie: "Ho Chi Minh has announced that North Vietnam will go to the bargaining table in Paris to find an end to the war!"

Spook: "No way!"

Kathie: "Way, dude. It says here he is doing so voluntarily. No special reason given. Just something about 'Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day.'"

Jim and Kathie exchange knowing looks.

Spook: "Well, Henry Kissinger's probably not going to buy it. I think we'll be here a long time."

Jim: "What if the Vietnamese beat us?"

Spooks: "Jones, you're a good dentist, but you're no soldier. Get real! Next you'll be telling me that they'll invade Saigon, and we'll be evacuating people by helicopter from a rooftop landing pad on the American embassy grounds!"

Jim: "Sorry, sir. I'm sure that's impossible."

Spook: "Damned right. Anyway, I've recommended you and the Ensign for a decoration and your commanding officer approves. It's the DSC, the Dental Service Cross, with Perio-OSS™ synthetic bone grafting material clusters. Congratulations!"

Kathie: "Why, thank you, sir!"

Spook: "One more thing. We'll be sending you both back to the States for a month for the full PR tour. America loves heroes! Just don't tell anyone what you did, where you did it, when you did it, who asked you to do it, or who you did it to. Stuff like that. Got it?"

Jim and Kathie: "We know the drill, sir." [heyuhh, heyuhh, snort, snort]

They leave the Commander's tent. Outside, they meet Shu Fly.

Jim: "Well, Shu Fly, I'm glad we all made it home in one piece. What are you going to do now?"

Shu Fly: "Uncertain, doctor. Might look into dentistry. Or, there are a lot of computer startup companies over in the village of Daht Kahm. Or, maybe I'll get a job with the government."

Kathie: "Rickshaw driver in the Civil Service?"

Shu Fly: "Well, if my dad gets lucky, I was thinking more along the lines of Secretary of State. Oh, by the way, I brought you a gift."

He hands Jim and Kathie a canteen.

Jim: "Shu Fly, you're a bright young man, but I've got to tell you. The United States of America has plenty of canteens."

Shu Fly: "No, no, Doctor Jim! Look inside! Drink! Drink!"

Jim takes a drink. It's water, yet somehow more than water. Instantly he senses a buildup in tooth enamel. In fact, he senses a complete fortification of his dental structures. He passes the canteen to Kathie.

Jim: "Drink this, darlin'. It'll cure what ails ya!"

Kathie (after drinking): "Kawabunga!"

Shu Fly: "This water comes from a spring near the jungle clearing where you treated my father. While you were performing the procedure, I slipped away to fill my canteen. When I drank, I knew this was the Fountain of Fluoride you've talked about."

Jim: "Shu Fly. I'm very grateful. You know, I have a dream. I may live to see the Fountain. I may not. But you've brought me closer to it than I've ever been."

Shu Fly leaves, explaining that his sister has a date with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara. Jim and Kathie wave goodbye.

Jim: "Kathie, if we have to leave Vietnam, where will they assign us?"

Kathie: "I don't know, dear. Let's just think about a vacation. We could go to Grenada or Panama, or even see exotic places like Somalia or Sarajevo. Nice, peaceful places, where there isn't any combat."

Jim: "Kathie, you're wonderful, and we've been through a lot together. I love you. Want to marry a commando?"

Kathie: "Sure. I love you, too. Want to marry a commando?"

Jim: "Right on. Now open, please."

Kathie parts her lips, and the two join in a passionate embrace and kiss.

The camera slowly pulls back and up—a Steadicam shot from a helicopter. Music comes up. As Jim and Kathie grow smaller and smaller in the camera's view, they are still locked in their embrace. We get the sense that this team will be together a long time, and wherever there's a need for combat and dentistry, they'll be there.

We'll see Jim and Kathie again soon in the next exciting, thrilling, powerful episode of "Doc Jones, Combat Dentist."

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