“Be a dentist" – Steve Martin, Little Shop of Horrors
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“Be a dentist" – Steve Martin, Little Shop of Horrors |
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Doc Jones, Frontier Dentist Story Treatment
Background: My periodontist is James H. Jones, DDS, MS. He is a hero of mine, and amazing as it may sound, I've had great fun visiting his office. He is also a Cowboy Action Shooter and so is his wife, Kathie. Cowboy Action Shooters have alternate names (handles), like "Pecos Kid" or "Black Bart." Jim's is "Jim Givitis" and Kathie's is "Payback Princess." Each handle is unique, and is registered with the Single Action Shooting Society (S.A.S.S.) There lies the inspiration for this Western adventure. The Series At last! Here’s a weekly hour-long television show that returns classic entertainment to the family rooms and home entertainment centers of America. The country is ready for a new Western series that brings drama, comedy and adventure to the phosphor screen. This is the ongoing story of Jim Jones, frontier dentist, and his lovely wife Princess, as they travel through cattle towns, farm towns, and mining camps, mending broken teeth and broken hearts. They’re straight shooters, too. As often as not, while Jim is drilling teeth, Princess is drilling bad guys, all the while making the West a better place to live in. And in every episode, Jim pursues his quest for the mythical Fountain of Fluoride. “Doc Jones,
Frontier Dentist” has something for the entire family, including
children and dental students. Imagine the whole clan, gathered around
the TV, eagerly awaiting the start of each “Doc Jones” segment,
brushing, flossing, or using their perio-aid®3’s (US patent #3,892,040)!
Episode 1 (The pilot) “Inflammation at Gum River” It’s 1870. The Civil War is over, but the war to win the West has just started. The West is young and untamed, and it needs dentists to make it civilized. We open on a train pulling in to Molar, Wyoming. This is the railhead, the last train stop for people coming west, and the departure point for cattle heading east. At the coach doors, one conductor is shouting, “Watch yer step! Watch yer step! Don’t step in the cow doo-doo.” At the cattle cars, another conductor is shouting to the steers, “Please keep to the right. If you wish to pass, please do so on the left. Have your boarding passes ready.” Off the train steps James Jones, DDS, young dentist from the East. He’s wearing greenhorn duds -- a derby hat and a plaid suit. Jim was a surgeon in the civil war and now he’s come out west. He’s got his dentist bag, his drill in a case marked “Black & Decker,” and his grip. A boy comes up to Jim and says, “Take your bag, sir?” When he nods, the boy takes his grip and runs off with it. Jim is beginning to learn about the wild towns of the Old West. At the same time, from another coach, sweet young Katherine Williams steps off the train. She has completed her education as Miss Emily Treadwater’s School for Young Ladies of Class and Breeding in Boston. She is an independent girl, and despite her parents’ objections, she has come west to find adventure, love, and perhaps some useful trade open to those with only a liberal arts education. She carries a lady’s bag, a small bag marked “Colt’s Manufacturing Company” and a long wrapped object that probably isn’t a fishing rod. Jim wanders down Main Street. He notices that the town is filled with cattle, horses, cowboys, soldiers, drunks, prostitutes, gamblers, Indians, Chinamen, and tinhorns. He looks at the businesses: six saloons, two hotels, three boarding houses, a dry goods store and an undertaker. To Jim’s delight, there are NO dentists. Jim sees a saloon called The Gold Crown. He takes this as a good omen and walks in. He steps up to the bar. The bar gal says, “Hi stranger. New in town?” Jim nods his head. She continues, “Me, I’m Marsha. This here’s Tamara, Rochelle, Julie and Bridget.” Jim asks what such nice girls are doing working in a saloon, and they explain that they were all liberal arts majors and this was the only job they could get. Jim orders milk. This really upsets Wyoming Jack (SASS #22341), who’s been drinking a lot. He starts to get nasty. In the meantime Katherine, too, has walked into the saloon for a drink. She quietly sets her bags down at a table. Things are getting hot at the bar. “Listen, dude,” growls Wyoming Jack, “if I’m drinkin’ whisky, you’re drinkin’ whisky.” When Jim says he’d rather not, Wyoming suddenly pulls a knife and holds it to Jim’s throat. Wyoming says, “I said you’re going to drink whiskey. Now.” Just as suddenly, we hear the unmistakable click of a Colt Peacemaker as the trigger is cocked. “Oh excuse me, sir,” says a sweet young voice. It is Kathie, of course. “I seem to have my gun stuck in your ear. Can you tell me how to remove it? I think I just have to pull on this little trigger-thingy. Why don’t you put that old knife away while we talk about it?” This gets Wyoming Jack’s attention. He backs away from Jim, puts his knife away and raises his hands. Kathie says, “Maybe you should go outside, while I figure out how this works.” Wyoming nods his head and leaves the bar. Jim is very grateful, since Kathie has saved his life. They move to a table to drink beer and eat fried corn chips. Jim tells Kathie about himself. Growing up on a farm in Ohio. His fascination with teeth. His making small model wagons. His obsession with teeth. His years amputating lots of arms and legs as an Army surgeon, worrying about his patients’ teeth when he gave them a bullet to bite. His becoming a dentist, practicing on cadavers. He points out that the cleanest teeth in Cincinnati were in the morgue. The patients didn’t complain, but they didn’t pay their bills, either. Last, he shares what he learned from an old trapper named Pierre En D’entulous. As Pierre lay dying, he told Jim of the legend of the Fountain of Fluoride, a spring from which special water flows. The water, Jim believes, helps small children develop teeth less prone to decay. Kathie tells Jim about herself. She is the daughter of a strict minister, who taught her right from wrong, the Bible, and how to shoot. She went hunting and fishing a lot, so she’s really an excellent shot. Then she went to finishing school in Boston. Now she has come west to find the best way to apply what she knows of morality and marksmanship. “Are you really that good?” asks Jim. She says, “Wait just a second.” From outside, in the street, we hear someone running toward the saloon. It’s Wyoming Jack, with two guns drawn. He shouts, “I’ll kill you, you dizzy bitch!” Without turning around from the table, without even looking, Kathie draws her revolver and fires into the unopened swinging doors of the saloon. From the street: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Relax, you bad man!” she shouts. “I have shot you through the humerus pectoralis, one of the minor muscles of the upper arm. I avoided hitting the bone. In time, you will heal and be able to shoot moderately well. In the meantime, don’t be begging for a spine shot, or you’ll be robbing stagecoaches in a wheelchair. Now leave me alone.” Jim is impressed. Kathie modestly admits she has a kind of sixth sense about these things. Jim tells Kathie she has a great set of cuspids. Kathie blushes and says, “I didn’t think you’d notice. I’m wearing a corset.” Jim blushes, too. Jim goes to check into a room, still thinking of her. The next day, Jim is wearing a set of western clothes to replace his duds that were stolen. He goes out to look for the Fountain of Fluoride. In a cavern, in a canyon, he is kidnapped by Indians! Bitewing, the lead Indian, says, “We know you, Tooth Man. My father, our chief, suffer from oral discomfort. You fix. You fix, or die!” Jim is in his element and knows no fear. He asks what symptoms are present. Bitewing says, “The gums around one area of his mouth have become enlarged, red, tender, and painful. The tooth isn’t loose, but is sensitive to chewing. Pressing on the area where the gums and teeth meet releases pus. He has a dull pain that throbs and radiates.” Jim goes to the Indian camp to treat the chief, whose name is Night Guard. Jim greatly wishes for a periapical X-ray, until he realizes that X-rays haven’t been invented yet. He touches the affected gum area. When the chief screams in pain and pus oozes, the other Indians want to kill Jim. But he holds his own, tells them to relax, and correctly diagnoses a periodontal abscess. He does a deep cleaning of the gum pocket. He determines that not too much bone has been lost and the tooth is not too loose, so extraction is not indicated. He prescribes Belladonna 30X for throbbing pain and fever, chamomile to promote drainage of pus, and echinacea to promote healing. The chief is feeling better. Bitewing is pleased. He says, “On this count, Tooth Man, you will not die. In fact, we make you an Honorary Chief.” Everyone applauds. “Unfortunately, Tooth Man, you have touched the chief. I believe I failed to stipulate that the penalty for touching the chief -- is death!” As the band of Indians approaches Jim with knives, tomahawks, guns and large rocks, many shots ring out! Nine Indians drop to the ground, leaving only Bitewing and Night Guard standing. A voice rings out from the rocks. “You speak with the forked tongue of an attorney, and must be paid back for your deceit.” It’s Kathie. She comes down from the rocks. She speaks to the Indians, “What you have done is wrong! It is called Bait and Switch, and it is the custom of the White Man. Do not practice it! Now, I have inflicted each of your warriors with a soft tissue injury to the leg. It will not hurt their ability to shoot a bow and arrow or a gun. With proper healing, they should be able to walk and ride before too long.” She places her sixgun at Bitewing’s temple. “Now, punk. This is a Colt revolver, chambered for their .45 caliber long cartridge. It is the most powerful sixgun in the West. Now I shot nine men, but you don’t remember whether I used nine or ten cartridges, do you, punk? Feeling lucky, punk? What do you say?” Bitewing is not feeling lucky. He admits he did wrong and makes Kathie an Honorary Chief. “You have paid us back for our wrongdoing. We will call you Payback… uh…” Jim says, “Princess?” Bitewing agrees. “Yes. Chief Payback Princess will be nasty little white woman’s name.” Jim and Kathie return to town, and he thanks her for saving her life again. He asks if they can see each other again, without shooting somebody. She agrees. We then see a series of short scenes covering the next few weeks. Jim does dental work in his new practice -- cleanings, fillings, extractions. From time to time, Kathie helps out, learning dentistry and creating a new career category that will benefit men and women in the future -- the career of FDH, or Frontier Dental Hygienist. In one scene, Jim asks, “Did you numb this guy up?” Kathie says, “I
think so, I gave him whiskey, peyote, loco weed, laudanum, cocaine, and
whacked him with the butt of my revolver. Is he out?” Kathie: “Did he pay his bill in advance?” In another scene, we see Kathie helping Jim buy a gun. Then Jim takes Kathie out in the buckboard, and she teaches him to shoot like a pro. At first, he has trouble breaking bottles, and can’t seem to hit anything. But later, she nails a big picture of a tooth up to a tree and says, “Drill out the decay between the cusps.” And he blows big holes right in the center of the target. In another scene, Jim and Kathie have dinner at The Golden Crown. They brush their teeth and then take a walk in the moonlight. He kisses her. Even though they aren’t married, she lets him use his tongue. Jim says, “Ooooh, baby, what a set of smooth, well-maintained teeth, with nary a trace of plaque! Will you marry me?” Kathie shyly agrees. The next day, a very happy Jim is making a crown when Wyoming Jack (now healed and a changed man) rushes in. He shouts, “Doc Jones! Doc Jones! The Maxilla Gang is in town!” Jim asks who they are. Jack says, “They’re the worst gang of train robbers in the territory. They rob and kill, and kill and rob! Everyone’s scared of them. Even the sheriff and the soldiers have left town. There’s no one here to face them!” That makes Jim scared. “And their leader, Green Teeth Maxilla, doesn’t brush or floss.” Now that makes Jim mad. “Oh, and by the way, they kidnapped Kathie on their way into town.” Now that makes Jim real mad. There’s only one thing Jim can do, not counting leaving town. He goes to his desk and gets two revolvers, a derringer, a double-barreled shotgun, a repeating rifle, and a scalpel. Jim goes out on the street. It’s deserted. Only eerie western music fills the air. At the other end of the street are twenty desperados. There’s a big guy in the center, holding a struggling Kathie in his arms. Jim calms himself and acts brave. He says, casually, “Hi, Kathie! How’d you meet these guys? Did your sixth sense fail you?” The big guy, Green Teeth, shouts out, “Don’t talk stupid, Mister. This gal shot my other 30 men. We grabbed her when she stopped to reload.” Jones walks up to Green Teeth’s face, or at least as close as he can stand getting. This guy has moss growing between his teeth. Jim says, “Let the girl go, and you can leave town.” Green Teeth laughs. “What are you, the law?” Jim says, “No. I’m an oral surgeon.” Green Teeth laughs and laughs. “Well, Mr. Oral Surgeon, we’re going to rob and kill everyone here.” Jim says, “We’re not going to let you do that, punk.” “Yeah. Who’s ‘we’?” Green Teeth starts to go for his gun. “Me… and… Mr. Scalpel!” In an instant, Jim daubs alcohol at the base of Green Teeth’s neck and makes a neat incision across Green Teeth’s carotid artery. Blood starts pumping out big time! Jim says, “I’ve lacerated your carotid artery, which as you see, is a powerful conduit from the heart. I’m afraid that if this goes untreated, you’ll bleed to death in, oh, 30 seconds. However, I took an oath, so I’m prepared to heal you. But first, would you mind asking your men to throw down their guns?” Green Teeth is not so easily convinced. He says, “Kill him, boys!” Jim takes out five bad guys with his Colt, while taking out another five with two blasts from his shotgun. That leaves ten more men and Jim’s not sure quite what to do. Then shots ring out, and all ten drop like stones. Bitewing and the Night Guard come out from between the buildings, with 10 limping warriors and their repeating rifles. Bitewing says, “Damn, Chief Payback Princess was right about healing up and still being able to shoot a firearm. Sorry my braves couldn’t learn that soft tissue thing. These outlaws are dead.” Kathie rushes to Jim. “Nice shootin’, cowboy!” Jim applies a tourniquet to Green Teeth’s neck and performs other procedures to save his worthless life long enough for the hanging. In the final scene, there’s a great celebration. Jim and Kathie are married. Green Teeth is being packed off on a train to the territorial capital. The territorial governor hands Jim and Kathie a check for $60,000, because there was a reward for the capture, dead or alive, of the Maxilla Gang. Night Guard, Bitewing, and the other Indians are there. Wyoming Jack is there. Kathie is now the sheriff. Jim holds Kathie tight. “Well, Princess,” he says, “shall we settle down here in Molar? You can help me make people’s smiles brighter, and I can help you shoot folks.” Kathie says, “Sounds like a deal. I love you! But what about your search for the mythical Fountain of Fluoride?” “Day trips!” And so they settle
in, ready for the next exciting adventure of “Doc Jones, Frontier
Dentist.”
Telephone:
530-265-4705 Email: barry@wvswrite.com
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